personality of .

[stillsmiling]

. FIRST IMPRESSIONS: sweet. cute. polite. considerate.

First impressions can be deceiving. While it is true a portion of Shi's outer personality is an act, it is just as true that he has his genuine highlights. That said, Shi gives off the impression of being akin to a shoujo manga heroine: He's a nice person who smiles a lot and powers through his hardships. His initial instinct is to be polite and considerate. Shi also comes off as being shy, linked to how overly conscious is of those around him.

He's also the type to smile a lot. When he's in a neutral mood (ex.: not afflicted with recent trauma,) then he will almost consistently be smiling. It is pretty plain that this kid has a talent for optimism, as he seems able to drag himself out of the angst pit of despair no matter how deeply he may fall. And in his rush to look after others, Shi is often throwing himself under the bus-- noticeably so.

A lot of this stems from honest factors of his personality. Shi is definitely someone who cares deeply about the people around him. He hands out his love and trust like free samples, and does it with the motivation that you'll be a repeat customer. And yes, he does possess the inner strength to get through tragedy and come out smiling.

But like all characters whose personality sections become threatening light novels, there is more going on under the surface. I'm so sorry.

. GRATEFUL FOR LIFE

A huge motivating factor for this kid is the fact that he is glad to be alive. He knows he is in a blessed situation and is very glad for it. His blessed situation is something a lot of humans take for granted, which does make his gratefulness seem weird out of context: Shi is glad to exist physically.

This means that Shi obsesses over physical things. He is freakishly happy that he can taste food, glad that people can see his face, happy he can hug a soft stuffed animal, grateful when you hear him... Where Shi is from, a Spirit does not have these things. Existing in a physical form is a luxury to Spirits and Kami, and Shi is very aware of that.

This results in Shi coming off as kind of weird. He gets excited over trivial and weird things: For example, he would probably enjoy touching a slimey animal because HE CAN FEEL SLIME! Shi also forgives painful things, such as being yelled at or injured, because he feels he should be glad to feel anything at all.

His appreciation of these trivial things reflects in how he treats other people. Firstly, he understands that normal humans don't have the same respect for their physical existence as he does. That's fine. He never holds it against them. To be so spoiled by a luxury is enviable, and he doesn't hate people for complaining.
What he does do is try to help people appreciation their blessing as best he can. He also tries really hard to leave physical, lasting evidence of his existence. Shi's hobbies include things like composing music, playing various instruments, baking and cooking, and light sewing. He wants people to be happy they have ears, taste buds, and a body they can dress up. He also wants to leave things behind, so when he inevitably vanishes he won't be lost forever.

. HAPPY BY CHOICE

Shi's happiness and grateful personality is genuine. He is not pretending to love his life... all the time. The truth is that this kid has many reasons to be sad and he didn't just magically get rid of them. He chose to get rid of them. It's as unhealthy as it sounds.

For as his appreciation for his life, Shi is also burdened with guilt over it. A lot of people who he has loved, and still loves, died to get him where he is now. Shi knows that his life is precious. When he gets upset, particularly when he's mad about the cards life gives him, Shi worries he's throwing salt in his dead loved one's wounds.

So while he is almost always going to smile in the end, know that he doesn't always smile for the right reasons. Sometimes, Shi is just smiling because he thinks it is his job. He thinks that, as a Spirit gone Kami, he doesn't have the right to complain about his physical life. There are Spirits who envy his position and he doesn't want to hurt them by complaining about a gift. Once again, he's very considerate. Too considerate.

He lets it define him in a very unhealthy way. Shi can be taken advantage of and hurt over and over AND OVER, because he doesn't want to ever think ill of his lot in life. He does not entirely understand that you can be happy to be alive, but sad about the life you love.

. POOR ANGST MANAGEMENT

He's in his teens now, but Shi can be very childish. Particularly regarding how he understands and handles his emotions. Now, I will briefly rise to his defense in two ways. For one, Shi died when he was ten years old. His emotional development got thrown off track very drastically.

Secondly, Shi has never had a stable figure in his life to raise him. His decided family and role models come and go through a fast moving revolving door. They are rarely around long enough to teach Shi the things we take for granted, like how to grieve or how to be angry at someone. Likewise, Shi hasn't had anyone to teach him to properly distinguish the evils of the world. He's naive and easily tricked, which leads him to easily fall into situations where he wants to scream or cry.

His mechanisms for dealing with these things are self-taught, by a physically dead kid who feels pressured into smiling. Shi tries to bottle up negative feelings for as long as humanly possible. He will change topics, tell smiling lies, and ignore his negativity. And he's very rarely going to let anyone help him deal it. When he reaches his breaking point, Shi will flee and vent privately. He does not want anyone to see him as being ungrateful to live, and he thinks taking more than a few minutes to deal with sadness equates to him wasting his precious life. It's not healthy, but he's never learned it is the wrong way to handle himself.

. NARCISSTIC

The way that Shi is perceived is incredibly important to him. This kid is practically homeless for a large portion of his life, but he won't be caught dead looking it. That's actually part of his problem: He doesn't want to be caught dead. Shi is a Kami piloting his own corpse. His body is dead. There's even a gorey stab wound on his back. Yet Shi does not look like your classic zombie child: I purposefully colour his icons with blush on his cheeks, eyeshadow around his eyes, and sometimes I add frickin eyelashes. No one looks like that rolling out of grave. The kid spends his bits of money on cosmetics and meticulously maintains his make-up, hygeine, fashion, and aesthetic to look lively and healthy.

Shi cares A LOT about how he looks. He cares about how other people look too. He's downright narcissistic. His big sister, Prinny, got her name because she looked like a 'Princess' to Shi. He attached that narcissistic, appearance-based name to her so hard it became a magical shrine. While part of his naming ability is do to him loving the Spirits and their personalities, it shouldn't be ignored that Shi creates shrines that are attractive. The names he picks usually relate to something physical. Looks matter a lot to this kid.

Granted, Shi also grows in an environment where being physically seen is a great gift. Spirits lament the fact that no one can see them. A Spirit that can be seen by humans and have a physical body is considered blessed (and has probably transcended to being a Kami, but ssh.) Shi was also harassed and murdered because of his appearance. His Kami name, Shiro, comes from his deathly white hair. The only reason he hasn't changed his hair colour is because it is an aspect of his mortal life, which is a concern I will cover shortly.

. SEEKING APPROVAL

Physical appearances aren't all that matter to Shi. He cares a lot about how people perceive his personality as well. Shi is one of those kids who is constantly seeking for approval. He has always wanted to be someone people like. Even before he as labeled a Curse Kami, before his home village ganged up to murder him, and before he was abandoned by his mother, 'Marion' wanted to be liked. Now moreso than ever, he understands that the way people perceive you is important.
As a Kami, Shi's existence is largely dictated by how humans see him. He is a Curse Kami precisely because so many people have cursed his very existence. He understands that he causes even more trouble when more people label him as a "curse." And that trouble will lead him to losing people, places, and happiness.

So Shi puts a lot of effort into how people perceive him. Before delving into how Shi wants to be seen, I should point out that "wanting to be liked" makes him overly cautious and he usually just comes off as shy. He's watching his every word, every action, and every reaction to get a positive response. When he's not sure how to proceed, he hangs his head and stutters in a quiet, nervous voice. That's not at all how he wants people to see him, but hey. If we all came off how we want to, the world would be weird.

. DESIRE TO BE PERCEIVED AS "KNIGHTLY"

What Shi wants to project is the image of someone confident, polite, happy, and self-reliant. Read his writing samples now and laugh at how far off the mark he actually is. Shi will tell blatant lies to people, thinking he is somehow covering his trail. His lies are meant to throw people off the scent of how lonely, scared, and dependent he actually is. Sometimes, Shi does find himself in a situation where he can project his desired image. When he gets the ball rolling, Shi tries to flower his speech with "fancy" speech. Morelike, he sounds like he read one Shakespeare play and thinks he now fluently speaks ye olden English. When he's got the act going, he smiles politely and behaves like a gentleman. He wants to be like a fairytale knight.

But Shi is not a fairytale knight. The fact he wants it so badly just goes to show how aware of that fact he is. Shi is a Curse Kami. He is a Spirit of a young boy who was tossed to Kami status.... because people hated him too much to let him rest in peace. The very fact he is able to exist and struggle for happiness is linked to how much people hate him. That's a hard fact to live with. It's even harder to live with it while choosing to smile. The way Shi lives with his Curse Kami existence is really a testament to his strong will. Shi probably could be some form of fairytale knight, if he wasn't so caught up on the Curse Kami reality.

. SELF HATRED

Being a Curse Kami scares him. Shi hates it. He may live with it, but he is never happy with it. While he might smile a lot and while he has the potential to be a cute and goofy child, the fact he is a Curse always exists. Shi knows that he can get people killed just by hanging around them. His craving to be liked and in good company contradicts his kind hearted love for everyone around him: He wants to be with people, but he knows that it wrong. So Shi often plays an annoying game of tug-of-war with people when he first meets them. He is simultaneously trying to be a good boy and push them away, for their safety, while trying to give them chances to tug him over, for his sake.

Inevitably, Shi is probably always going to let himself be tugged over. His desire to love others for selfish reasons keeps outweighing any selfless love. He has accepted this, since he is a Curse Kami, and decided that the most he can do is "be careful." He tries very hard not to let his friends get TOO close. Like an emo, edgy anime boy, Shi tries to hold people are arms' length. He would rather not hurt people and prove to them he's a curse... For his sake as much as theirs.

As I close this personality, I will end it with the fact that Shi doesn't like himself. He's trying his best to be happy. He really does want to achieve a happiness that justifies all the lives lost to save his... but he's tired. That revolving door of relationships took its toll on him already, and now he is just standing there letting it slap him in the face. Shi believes too strongly that 'love and happiness' exist, even for Curses.

Because Shi also believes that he's a Curse. He has seen too much proof that this is true. He might deny facts that get in the way of his ability to enjoy his life, but that doesn't mean he thinks highly of himself. This self hatred are also, ironically, what make him such a dangerous Curse. A Kami is defined by humans, and Shi's mortal body-- the shrine his Spirit is attached to-- is still capable of defining Kami. So as long as Shi holds the belief that he is a Curse Kami, that is not going to change.

FORTUNATELY, a few good relationships and some consistency in his life can right that. Or could. If he stopped getting people killed. But eh. Some cycles are doomed to repeat themselves. Live until you become a villain, right, Shi?