Shi "Shiro" Yamato (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stillsmiling) wrote2018-01-10 12:43 am
stillsmiling) wrote2018-01-10 12:43 am
(no subject)
Shi is one of those idiots who gets hurt a lot, and really only has himself to blame. In fact, if you read Shi's backstory first then you know that he gets a lot. His life has been a rinse and repeat cycle of trusting people, caring about people, and ultimately being hurt for it. So it might help to establish right off the bat that for all of his suffering, this kid is incredibly optimistic. His greatest talent lies in his ability to hand out love like free tissues, though it is also his greatest flaw. Shi has learned lessons from his tragic backstory, but consciously chooses not to apply them. The first impression of Shi is probably going to be of a happy, polite kid who smiles at you and says incredibly stupid and annoying things.
That makes him pretty frustrating, I'll admit. But we're going to do this personality section anyway.
First and foremost, Shi is a happy person by choice. There are a number of factors weighing in to his choice to be happy, too. A major one is the fact that he recognizes he is blessed. Yes, he has suffered a lot of loss... But it has never been the loss of his life. Shi is alive and free to interact with the physical world, making changes and relationships easily. And for the Kami of Shi's world, this in an incredibly big deal. In his world, there exists an entire side of existence who only watch the world. He's aware that his ability to interact with people and define his own life is considered a luxury by Spirits, and he treasures it.
What this translates into often comes off as downright stupidity. Shi regards his entire life as a blessing, including every opportunity and every new relationship. He feels guilty when he shuts doors on chances or refuses a new relationship, because he knows there are probably Spirits around him who envy those opportunities. This leads Shi to make the same mistakes over and over: He can see a choice is logically a risk, but he would rather try to accomplish something than sit on his butt. Spirits are forced not to try, so Shi sees not trying by choice as an insult. Likewise, Shi has been hurt and used many times. He has lost many people he cares about, too. But his ability to form a relation, negative or positive, is enviable. He doesn't want to seem like he is throwing his blessings aside.
This guilt leads to a second factor in his stupid, optimistic ability to touch the stove 999 times: His guilt. Many people that Shi loves have died just so he can continue living. This is not lost on him. Shi knows his life holds or held significant value to people: Enough that they have died for him. Which is a lot of pressure. Shi feels like he is obligated to live happily on their behalf. To anything akin to giving up or throwing away the blessing of a life they have saved, would be the worst thing he could do. So while Shi is choosing to put a smile on his face, despite having many reasons not to, know that it might just be a choice: He might not actually want to smile, but feels it is his duty.
This leads to a whole new bag of worms. Shi has had many people come into his life and care about him, but none of them have ever stayed long enough to nurture him. His list of family members and role models is long, because it has been a revolving door. No one has been with Shi long enough to teach the kid how to grieve, how to fail, how to be angry, how to distinguish evil from good without being paranoid... There are a lot of emotional life lessons that Shi has never learned.
So his mechanisms for dealing with these things are self-taught, by a physically dead kid who feels pressured into smiling. Shi tries to bottle up negative feelings for as long as humanly possible. He will change topics, tell smiling lies, and ignore his negativity. And he's very rarely going to let anyone help him deal it. When he reaches his breaking point, Shi will flee and vent privately. He does not want anyone to see him as being ungrateful to live, and he thinks taking more than a few minutes to deal with sadness equates to him wasting his precious life. It's not healthy, but he's never learned it is the wrong way to handle himself.
The way that Shi is perceived is incredibly important to him. This kid is practically homeless for a large portion of his life, but he won't be caught dead looking it. That's actually part of his problem: He doesn't want to be caught dead. Shi is a Kami piloting his own corpse. His body is dead. There's even a gorey stab wound on his back. Yet Shi does not look like your classic zombie child: I purposefully colour his icons with blush on his cheeks, eyeshadow around his eyes, and sometimes I add frickin eyelashes. No one looks like that rolling out of grave. The kid spends his bits of money on cosmetics and meticulously maintains his make-up, hygeine, fashion, and aesthetic to look lively and healthy.
Shi cares A LOT about how he looks. He cares about how other people look too. He's downright narcissistic. His big sister, Prinny, got her name because she looked like a 'Princess' to Shi. He attached that narcissistic, appearance-based name to her so hard it became a magical shrine. While part of his naming ability is do to him loving the Spirits and their personalities, it shouldn't be ignored that Shi creates shrines that are attractive. The names he picks usually relate to something physical. Looks matter a lot to this kid.
Granted, Shi also grows in an environment where being physically seen is a great gift. Spirits lament the fact that no one can see them. A Spirit that can be seen by humans and have a physical body is considered blessed (and has probably transcended to being a Kami, but ssh.) Shi was also harassed and murdered because of his appearance. His Kami name, Shiro, comes from his deathly white hair. The only reason he hasn't changed his hair colour is because it is an aspect of his mortal life, which is a concern I will cover shortly.
Physical appearances aren't all that matter to Shi. He cares a lot about how people perceive his personality as well. Shi is one of those kids who is constantly seeking for approval. He has always wanted to be someone people like. Even before he as labeled a Curse Kami, before his home village ganged up to murder him, and before he was abandoned by his mother, 'Marion' wanted to be liked. Now moreso than ever, he understands that the way people perceive you is important.
As a Kami, Shi's existence is largely dictated by how humans see him. He is a Curse Kami precisely because so many people have cursed his very existence. He understands that he causes even more trouble when more people label him as a "curse." And that trouble will lead him to losing people, places, and happiness.
So Shi puts a lot of effort into how people perceive him. Before delving into how Shi wants to be seen, I should point out that "wanting to be liked" makes him overly cautious and he usually just comes off as shy. He's watching his every word, every action, and every reaction to get a positive response. When he's not sure how to proceed, he hangs his head and stutters in a quiet, nervous voice. That's not at all how he wants people to see him, but hey. If we all came off how we want to, the world would be weird.
What Shi wants to project is the image of someone confident, polite, happy, and self-reliant. Read his writing samples now and laugh at how far off the mark he actually is. Shi will tell blatant lies to people, thinking he is somehow covering his trail. His lies are meant to throw people off the scent of how lonely, scared, and dependent he actually is. Sometimes, Shi does find himself in a situation where he can project his desired image. When he gets the ball rolling, Shi tries to flower his speech with "fancy" speech. Morelike, he sounds like he read one Shakespeare play and thinks he now fluently speaks ye olden English. When he's got the act going, he smiles politely and behaves like a gentleman. He wants to be like a fairytale knight.
But Shi is not a fairytale knight. The fact he wants it so badly just goes to show how aware of that fact he is. Shi is a Curse Kami. He is a Spirit of a young boy who was tossed to Kami status.... because people hated him too much to let him rest in peace. The very fact he is able to exist and struggle for happiness is linked to how much people hate him. That's a hard fact to live with. It's even harder to live with it while choosing to smile. The way Shi lives with his Curse Kami existence is really a testament to his strong will. Shi probably could be some form of fairytale knight, if he wasn't so caught up on the Curse Kami reality.
Being a Curse Kami scares him. Shi hates it. He may live with it, but he is never happy with it. While he might smile a lot and while he has the potential to be a cute and goofy child, the fact he is a Curse always exists. Shi knows that he can get people killed just by hanging around them. His craving to be liked and in good company contradicts his kind hearted love for everyone around him: He wants to be with people, but he knows that it wrong. So Shi often plays an annoying game of tug-of-war with people when he first meets them. He is simultaneously trying to be a good boy and push them away, for their safety, while trying to give them chances to tug him over, for his sake.
Inevitably, Shi is probably always going to let himself be tugged over. His desire to love others for selfish reasons keeps outweighing any selfless love. He has accepted this, since he is a Curse Kami, and decided that the most he can do is "be careful." He tries very hard not to let his friends get TOO close. Like an emo, edgy anime boy, Shi tries to hold people are arms' length. He would rather not hurt people and prove to them he's a curse... For his sake as much as theirs.
As I close this personality, I will end it with the fact that Shi doesn't like himself. He's trying his best to be happy. He really does want to achieve a happiness that justifies all the lives lost to save his... but he's tired. That revolving door of relationships took its toll on him already, and now he is just standing there letting it slap him in the face. Shi believes too strongly that 'love and happiness' exist, even for Curses.
Because Shi also believes that he's a Curse. He has seen too much proof that this is true. He might deny facts that get in the way of his ability to enjoy his life, but that doesn't mean he thinks highly of himself. This self hatred are also, ironically, what make him such a dangerous Curse. A Kami is defined by humans, and Shi's mortal body-- the shrine his Spirit is attached to-- is still capable of defining Kami. So as long as Shi holds the belief that he is a Curse Kami, that is not going to change.
FORTUNATELY, a few good relationships and some consistency in his life can right that. Or could. If he stopped getting people killed. But eh. Some cycles are doomed to repeat themselves. Live until you become a villain, right, Shi?
That makes him pretty frustrating, I'll admit. But we're going to do this personality section anyway.
First and foremost, Shi is a happy person by choice. There are a number of factors weighing in to his choice to be happy, too. A major one is the fact that he recognizes he is blessed. Yes, he has suffered a lot of loss... But it has never been the loss of his life. Shi is alive and free to interact with the physical world, making changes and relationships easily. And for the Kami of Shi's world, this in an incredibly big deal. In his world, there exists an entire side of existence who only watch the world. He's aware that his ability to interact with people and define his own life is considered a luxury by Spirits, and he treasures it.
What this translates into often comes off as downright stupidity. Shi regards his entire life as a blessing, including every opportunity and every new relationship. He feels guilty when he shuts doors on chances or refuses a new relationship, because he knows there are probably Spirits around him who envy those opportunities. This leads Shi to make the same mistakes over and over: He can see a choice is logically a risk, but he would rather try to accomplish something than sit on his butt. Spirits are forced not to try, so Shi sees not trying by choice as an insult. Likewise, Shi has been hurt and used many times. He has lost many people he cares about, too. But his ability to form a relation, negative or positive, is enviable. He doesn't want to seem like he is throwing his blessings aside.
This guilt leads to a second factor in his stupid, optimistic ability to touch the stove 999 times: His guilt. Many people that Shi loves have died just so he can continue living. This is not lost on him. Shi knows his life holds or held significant value to people: Enough that they have died for him. Which is a lot of pressure. Shi feels like he is obligated to live happily on their behalf. To anything akin to giving up or throwing away the blessing of a life they have saved, would be the worst thing he could do. So while Shi is choosing to put a smile on his face, despite having many reasons not to, know that it might just be a choice: He might not actually want to smile, but feels it is his duty.
This leads to a whole new bag of worms. Shi has had many people come into his life and care about him, but none of them have ever stayed long enough to nurture him. His list of family members and role models is long, because it has been a revolving door. No one has been with Shi long enough to teach the kid how to grieve, how to fail, how to be angry, how to distinguish evil from good without being paranoid... There are a lot of emotional life lessons that Shi has never learned.
So his mechanisms for dealing with these things are self-taught, by a physically dead kid who feels pressured into smiling. Shi tries to bottle up negative feelings for as long as humanly possible. He will change topics, tell smiling lies, and ignore his negativity. And he's very rarely going to let anyone help him deal it. When he reaches his breaking point, Shi will flee and vent privately. He does not want anyone to see him as being ungrateful to live, and he thinks taking more than a few minutes to deal with sadness equates to him wasting his precious life. It's not healthy, but he's never learned it is the wrong way to handle himself.
The way that Shi is perceived is incredibly important to him. This kid is practically homeless for a large portion of his life, but he won't be caught dead looking it. That's actually part of his problem: He doesn't want to be caught dead. Shi is a Kami piloting his own corpse. His body is dead. There's even a gorey stab wound on his back. Yet Shi does not look like your classic zombie child: I purposefully colour his icons with blush on his cheeks, eyeshadow around his eyes, and sometimes I add frickin eyelashes. No one looks like that rolling out of grave. The kid spends his bits of money on cosmetics and meticulously maintains his make-up, hygeine, fashion, and aesthetic to look lively and healthy.
Shi cares A LOT about how he looks. He cares about how other people look too. He's downright narcissistic. His big sister, Prinny, got her name because she looked like a 'Princess' to Shi. He attached that narcissistic, appearance-based name to her so hard it became a magical shrine. While part of his naming ability is do to him loving the Spirits and their personalities, it shouldn't be ignored that Shi creates shrines that are attractive. The names he picks usually relate to something physical. Looks matter a lot to this kid.
Granted, Shi also grows in an environment where being physically seen is a great gift. Spirits lament the fact that no one can see them. A Spirit that can be seen by humans and have a physical body is considered blessed (and has probably transcended to being a Kami, but ssh.) Shi was also harassed and murdered because of his appearance. His Kami name, Shiro, comes from his deathly white hair. The only reason he hasn't changed his hair colour is because it is an aspect of his mortal life, which is a concern I will cover shortly.
Physical appearances aren't all that matter to Shi. He cares a lot about how people perceive his personality as well. Shi is one of those kids who is constantly seeking for approval. He has always wanted to be someone people like. Even before he as labeled a Curse Kami, before his home village ganged up to murder him, and before he was abandoned by his mother, 'Marion' wanted to be liked. Now moreso than ever, he understands that the way people perceive you is important.
As a Kami, Shi's existence is largely dictated by how humans see him. He is a Curse Kami precisely because so many people have cursed his very existence. He understands that he causes even more trouble when more people label him as a "curse." And that trouble will lead him to losing people, places, and happiness.
So Shi puts a lot of effort into how people perceive him. Before delving into how Shi wants to be seen, I should point out that "wanting to be liked" makes him overly cautious and he usually just comes off as shy. He's watching his every word, every action, and every reaction to get a positive response. When he's not sure how to proceed, he hangs his head and stutters in a quiet, nervous voice. That's not at all how he wants people to see him, but hey. If we all came off how we want to, the world would be weird.
What Shi wants to project is the image of someone confident, polite, happy, and self-reliant. Read his writing samples now and laugh at how far off the mark he actually is. Shi will tell blatant lies to people, thinking he is somehow covering his trail. His lies are meant to throw people off the scent of how lonely, scared, and dependent he actually is. Sometimes, Shi does find himself in a situation where he can project his desired image. When he gets the ball rolling, Shi tries to flower his speech with "fancy" speech. Morelike, he sounds like he read one Shakespeare play and thinks he now fluently speaks ye olden English. When he's got the act going, he smiles politely and behaves like a gentleman. He wants to be like a fairytale knight.
But Shi is not a fairytale knight. The fact he wants it so badly just goes to show how aware of that fact he is. Shi is a Curse Kami. He is a Spirit of a young boy who was tossed to Kami status.... because people hated him too much to let him rest in peace. The very fact he is able to exist and struggle for happiness is linked to how much people hate him. That's a hard fact to live with. It's even harder to live with it while choosing to smile. The way Shi lives with his Curse Kami existence is really a testament to his strong will. Shi probably could be some form of fairytale knight, if he wasn't so caught up on the Curse Kami reality.
Being a Curse Kami scares him. Shi hates it. He may live with it, but he is never happy with it. While he might smile a lot and while he has the potential to be a cute and goofy child, the fact he is a Curse always exists. Shi knows that he can get people killed just by hanging around them. His craving to be liked and in good company contradicts his kind hearted love for everyone around him: He wants to be with people, but he knows that it wrong. So Shi often plays an annoying game of tug-of-war with people when he first meets them. He is simultaneously trying to be a good boy and push them away, for their safety, while trying to give them chances to tug him over, for his sake.
Inevitably, Shi is probably always going to let himself be tugged over. His desire to love others for selfish reasons keeps outweighing any selfless love. He has accepted this, since he is a Curse Kami, and decided that the most he can do is "be careful." He tries very hard not to let his friends get TOO close. Like an emo, edgy anime boy, Shi tries to hold people are arms' length. He would rather not hurt people and prove to them he's a curse... For his sake as much as theirs.
As I close this personality, I will end it with the fact that Shi doesn't like himself. He's trying his best to be happy. He really does want to achieve a happiness that justifies all the lives lost to save his... but he's tired. That revolving door of relationships took its toll on him already, and now he is just standing there letting it slap him in the face. Shi believes too strongly that 'love and happiness' exist, even for Curses.
Because Shi also believes that he's a Curse. He has seen too much proof that this is true. He might deny facts that get in the way of his ability to enjoy his life, but that doesn't mean he thinks highly of himself. This self hatred are also, ironically, what make him such a dangerous Curse. A Kami is defined by humans, and Shi's mortal body-- the shrine his Spirit is attached to-- is still capable of defining Kami. So as long as Shi holds the belief that he is a Curse Kami, that is not going to change.
FORTUNATELY, a few good relationships and some consistency in his life can right that. Or could. If he stopped getting people killed. But eh. Some cycles are doomed to repeat themselves. Live until you become a villain, right, Shi?